


northern wind

by refeu613



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26266132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/refeu613/pseuds/refeu613
Summary: The first time Lena fell in love, it came with a bang and crescendoorLena vs her love life
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Kudos: 30





	northern wind

**Author's Note:**

> not really keeping with what's happening on the show because i can't watch that dumpster fire

The first time Lena fell in love, it came with a bang and crescendo. It was like a scene from a movie that she would replay in her head over and over again. Her friends were whispering about who the new girl was but she wasn't paying attention. All the sounds around her were drowned out by one thought in her head. "I will know her," she thought, with a certainty that she had never felt about anyone before. It was such a mundane moment - Andrea was at her seat, looking down at her notebook, then back up at the teacher. But that moment was so loud for Lena.

Lena doesn't remember exactly how they ended up talking, but she does remember taking every opportunity and excuse possible to be near her. She remembered clearly how for the first time, she felt the world make sense. Like the colors were sharper and how she felt like bursting when they were together. She remembered the stories whispered to each other underneath the sheets late at night, the smell of her clothes and hair when they lounged by the lake, the feel of her hands in hers and the weight of her body leaning into her. Eventually, however, young love couldn't survive the physical distance of changing schools. Lena learned that heartbreak was physical as well, a feeling of sharp emptiness she felt so profoundly she was sure others could see.

*

The second time Lena fell in love, it came like a tornado and she wasn't ready. Lena had gone into a meeting expecting to discuss a joint research project with another lab with a Wayne but walked into a room to Veronica, who replaced Wayne last minute. Their relationship grew quickly - long days turned into late nights, falling asleep at the lab together and meeting up for drinks outside of work. When she finally mustered up the courage to confess her feelings, she discovered that Veronica also had a confession of her own - she had a girlfriend. Something that had never come up in the months of knowing each other. Lena had been devastated but this was just the calm before the storm. The pair eventually got together but only after multiple cycles of leaving then pleading and getting back together. Their relationship was tainted with hurts they never worked through.

When things were good, Lena felt like she was on top of the world, so drunk on love and intoxicated with the attention and time with Veronica. She felt so wholly consumed by their relationship and loved it. But they also fought intensely. Veronica withheld much of her thoughts until it filled to the brim and exploded out and Lena's usual even keel would disintegrate and retaliate in kind. They broke up regularly, saying the most unkind things Lena never knew she could utter to someone she loved. She learned that she could hurt the one she loved deeply, and that sometimes, she would want to. The underlying feeling of distrust never dissipated. Lena was left so thoroughly exhausted by the end, she wondered if she was permanently broken.

*

The third time Lena fell in love, it was like a breath that she didn't know she needed. When Kara walked into her office and made small talk and introductions, she felt a strange feeling in her stomach. Kara was still talking but deep inside her, all Lena could hear was a voice saying, "There she is." Instead of the self assuredness of her youth the first time her instincts had been that loud, she felt the grip of a cold sweat. Her paranoia made her worry that Kara heard this voice but despite herself, when Kara smiled, she smiled back. When Kara left, she quickly dismissed her thoughts and chalked it up to new office jitters and resumed her day. It's not like they'll see each other often anyways, she had thought.

Lena had just about dismissed her feelings entirely when she saw her again. She tried to avoid Kara as much as possible at the gala, using other people as buffers when they had to interact. But she couldn't help but be attracted to her warmth.

"You know, I don't want to make assumptions but it kind of feels like you're avoiding me," said Kara as she walked up to Lena in the two seconds she had her guard down.

Lena tried to hide her moment of surprise somewhat unsuccessfully and smiled, "Of course not. Just getting used to the crowd here has got me a bit distracted."

Kara laughed and Lena felt her insides flip. "I was just teasing," Kara smiled then gestured with her eyes to a couple of investors coming their way. "I think those suits are coming for your attention. Signal if you need rescuing." Kara walked away giving her a light squeeze of her shoulders.

Lena didn't remember anything about any other conversation she had that night, completely losing focus after the encounter with Kara. She was having an ongoing battle in her head about Kara - she was overreacting, she's a nice person and she had forgotten what it's like to be around someone like that, she can't possibly be liking someone she barely knows, this is crazy. Just when she felt she had gotten her composure again towards the end of the night, she spotted Kara in the corner in a conversation with an elderly couple. After some gesturing, she took the hand of older gentleman and started to slow dance with him. Then, she helped him sit back down and started dancing with his wife. She was still talking animatedly to them both and laughing and having a far better time than anyone. This is real, thought Lena, but I need to nip this in the bud.

The more she tried to avoid Kara, the more impossible it seemed. Was National City truly this small? Lena kept all her interactions strictly professional, at times a bit cold, but felt it was necessary to preserve herself. When she discovered that Kara had a boyfriend as she had suspected, it became much easier to be around her, though the news had stung quite a bit more than she was willing to admit. She also felt it safe to let her in now that she knew Kara was taken, probably straight. So she gave in to her friendship and life became so much easier when not resisting. It seemed the universe was determined to put them together as much as possible for whatever reason. Lena hoped against all hope that her feelings would die down now that she fully acknowledged that she liked Kara and that it was a closed door. That's how crushes worked, right?

But this was real life and nothing was ever that simple. Without Lena's active resistance and avoidance, their relationship very quickly bloomed. Kara pulled her into her life like a warm hug and cookie. It was kind of unbelievable to Lena. She had never met someone like her - someone so genuinely warm and kind and gentle and so magnanimous in their being. Her family life had always been a disaster and chaotic at best. There was coldness to go around but not much more than that. The pair spent most of their little free time together, over holidays and game nights, happy hours and late night talks at her office over take out. Kara would go through a few boyfriends and each time Lena's heart would break for her, but she also couldn't help but have that little flame of hope brought to life again, not that it ever really died. It seemed the opposite was happening to Lena where her feelings for Kara were only growing as she got to know her and it was changing in a way that she never felt. It felt like it was almost solidifying, like there was large blanket getting wrapped around her, like everything was going to be ok.

There were moments where she thought Kara surely felt the same way, too. Sometimes it was a look, a brief second where it seemed like they were connected. There were touches that would make Lena feel all fuzzy inside but she was unsure of those because of Kara's naturally affectionate nature. No one had made her feel so seen and taken care of like Kara had, remembering little details from comments that Lena made off hand and bringing them up in relevant moments.

The feelings seemed to be coming to a head when they took an impromptu road trip to Kara's mom's house to pick up some boxes. There was something about being in the car for hours alone together driving through the countryside that brought about a new level of intimacy between them. The touches lingered just a little bit longer. The looks felt a bit heavier. Lena let her excitement grow just a little.

It all came to a halt a few days later when she discovered she was Supergirl. She felt so foolish and betrayed and so incredibly hurt. Was anything between them real? Lena couldn't help but question every interaction and conversation.

"I convinced myself that I was protecting you. I was selfish and scared and I didn't want to lose you. Please say something."

Lena looked into her eyes and felt her world spin out of control.

"Was any of...was any of this real?"

"Everything. Everything is real. How I feel about you, how much I love you is all real," sobbed Kara.

"I just..." Lena paused. She sat down on her couch. They sat in silence for what felt like hours. "I just need some time, Kara."

"Lena, I -"

"I understand why you did it, but I need some time. I think you should leave."

Kara reached out and held Lena's hand and pled with her silently. She eventually got up and wiped her tears.

"Kara," Lena whispered, "why tell me now?"

Kara stopped at the door. "Because I love you. Because I don't want to keep any more secrets. Because I was wrong." She stood at the door, still sniffling. Lena sighed and nodded.

Lena tried in the weeks after to move past it. Kara regularly checked up on her through texts where Lena didn't reply. Work brought them together a couple times and Lena kept civil and excused herself as soon as possible. She eventually got herself to go to a happy hour with the gang only because she knew there would be others and she did miss them but very quickly realized how much she had not moved on. So she did what she felt was best and quietly moved back to Metropolis without telling anyone until she was gone.

She felt silly but she felt she could finally grieve this relationship that wasn't only if she was completely removed. Sam finally brought her out from her office one night after a month of being patient with her to get her drunk and start to let go.

"What do I do with all this love I have inside? It's not like my feelings just stopped because of this. What am I even doing? It's not like we were actually together." Lena took another swig from the wine bottle.

"Your feelings are real and valid whatever the circumstances were with you two," said Sam, rubbing Lena's back.

"I don't even know what we were but it felt like we were something. I guess she really was too good to be true." Lena had tried to hold back her tears but she was losing the battle. "I am just so frustrated with having met someone so amazing and leaning into hope for just a second to have it completely pulled from under me. What the fuck, Sam? What do I do? What's even real anymore?"

It was months before she felt like she could go a day without her mind drifting back to thoughts of Kara. She kept herself busy with her and even started taking vacations. She still kept in touch with the gang back in National City, however sparsely. Kara had reached out a few times and Lena had replied but kept it short. She had to move on. She didn't know if she could stay friends with her and heal at the same time. Lena didn't want to keep playing this game in her head anymore either, this not knowing and back and forth without going anywhere.

It was a late night at the office and she was just about to pack up. She was going through her possible take out options in her head when her phone rang.

Kara.

Lena felt her heart skip a beat. She debated picking up but her finger went to green button without even thinking.

"Hi. It's me." 


End file.
